Monday, January 30, 2006

Online dating scandal - and back to the pumpkin patch

28 year old male, scared of AIDS, nervous around children, and mistrustful of condoms seeks - likeminded hot women for non-sexual highly erotic adventures.

Sweet tagline. Let 'em know you're serious about not givin' a hoot. It's only earnesty. It's also hilarious. It was the new year of the dog and I spent a weekend off the leash. Put it on the table.

A single response came from an elegant lass with great hair and the guts to laugh along. The rest wisely ignored the once in a long-time promo. No mystique there - cause face it - the only thing you're gonna get for richer or poorer with online dating is an STD.

Well it worked out well. Got online, made a digital connection, shared a few laughs and got out (profile deleted, bogus email address = el gonissimo)

And all you sista's BE SAFE - get that dog tested before you find out the REALLY hard way - hard is good, hard is nice, be smart, cause hardball may not give you a second chance! (and ain't no hard ball that much fun to play).

This punk is back to his pumpkin patch. Much safer, and dividends.... amazing dividends.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Durty style Kempo Karate in Charlottesville

Hi Dude,
Thanks for the rolling pin. It's badass. Just spent three weeks in a dojo here in Charlottesville learning kempo style. That's what the sign said. "I call it South Paw Style" sensei replied when asked to clarify. A tactful insight - might have called it "cage fighting light" and saved me a few bucks... clever fella, that sensei. Right away it was everything in one place that I wasn't looking for. My special technique is running - fast and far. My physical fight or flight knob is tilted so far right to boogie out git down that the notion of physical confrontation is an abstract extreme - give me that pen any day - that's what I was taught.

Charlottesville /earth presents a conundrum in that regard - we have a serial rapist on the loose and when last Sergeant Green was confronted on this matter his response was "You can't catch dem types of folks, you gotta catch them on speeding tickets, or shoplifting or such" so in other words if you're a babe in this town you're S.O.L. Hard core. So a bit of whoop-ass training is necessary.

Anyhow, I'll skip the unnecessary details. The part about wrestling a 265 lb state champion wrestler from Texas. You don't need to know about that. You don't need to hear about the 5'3" Mexican or the skinny redneck plumber. I'd rather not mention anything about that at all. The part about... well you get it. Anyhow, the important thing I learned was about bone structure. Bones really do like a little action. They like getting whooped on - it informs the osteoplasts that they are needed, and they go in there and strengthen bones after they get wacked. The rolling pin....

SO - before every practice we would ritually beat every bone in our body lightly at first and then harder to "knock the air" out of the bones using hard objects - fists for ladies with weaker bones, baseball bats for the larger ones. All that matters is that from your toes to your head you rap hard enough to blast some of the crap outta yer skeleton and let it reharden - in fact you can make your bones like teeth - totally badass and calcified. Alex, thank you for the rolling pin. It's working I think. Ever since the suplex I've been wary of returning to class, however when I bumped my shin against a large metal object the other day, the seering pain brought a tinge of gladness to my mind "Whoopie, the osteoplasts are really gonna get off on that" I said smugly to myself. I hate to sound the coward, it's just my reality. Given the chance I'll run, fast. My signature move in class was the duck, cover, and roll - I even escaped from the Mammoth One - that was a glad moment, though in a room 20' x 30' it mattered not.

To the women of Charlottesville (and other parts of the land) - now that you know what a wuss (some of) your men are I would really encourage you to attend the kempo classes at the end of JPA behind Durty Nelly's. If the men can't stand up to the aggressors it's going to be up to you lasses to do the job. Stand firm, aim for the sack, grab and twist - that's my advice, it's honest albeit from a meager dude. And if you have a good rolling pin give yer legs a ratta-tat-tating once in a while. If you ever have to kick ass you can think of your legs as teeth and gnaw on some jack-ass'es face with 'em... ROARGGGGGG! (yeah, me and my keypad are hardcore...)

hastas ya'll

Monday, January 02, 2006

the-writing-on-the-wall 003

the-writing-on-the-wall 003
Originally uploaded by phunktion.
Well, the writing is now on the wall - the free speech monument, in charlottesville, virginia on the downtown mall. daggone squirrels. you can't hardly keep an eye on them nowadays.