Sunday, January 29, 2006

Durty style Kempo Karate in Charlottesville

Hi Dude,
Thanks for the rolling pin. It's badass. Just spent three weeks in a dojo here in Charlottesville learning kempo style. That's what the sign said. "I call it South Paw Style" sensei replied when asked to clarify. A tactful insight - might have called it "cage fighting light" and saved me a few bucks... clever fella, that sensei. Right away it was everything in one place that I wasn't looking for. My special technique is running - fast and far. My physical fight or flight knob is tilted so far right to boogie out git down that the notion of physical confrontation is an abstract extreme - give me that pen any day - that's what I was taught.

Charlottesville /earth presents a conundrum in that regard - we have a serial rapist on the loose and when last Sergeant Green was confronted on this matter his response was "You can't catch dem types of folks, you gotta catch them on speeding tickets, or shoplifting or such" so in other words if you're a babe in this town you're S.O.L. Hard core. So a bit of whoop-ass training is necessary.

Anyhow, I'll skip the unnecessary details. The part about wrestling a 265 lb state champion wrestler from Texas. You don't need to know about that. You don't need to hear about the 5'3" Mexican or the skinny redneck plumber. I'd rather not mention anything about that at all. The part about... well you get it. Anyhow, the important thing I learned was about bone structure. Bones really do like a little action. They like getting whooped on - it informs the osteoplasts that they are needed, and they go in there and strengthen bones after they get wacked. The rolling pin....

SO - before every practice we would ritually beat every bone in our body lightly at first and then harder to "knock the air" out of the bones using hard objects - fists for ladies with weaker bones, baseball bats for the larger ones. All that matters is that from your toes to your head you rap hard enough to blast some of the crap outta yer skeleton and let it reharden - in fact you can make your bones like teeth - totally badass and calcified. Alex, thank you for the rolling pin. It's working I think. Ever since the suplex I've been wary of returning to class, however when I bumped my shin against a large metal object the other day, the seering pain brought a tinge of gladness to my mind "Whoopie, the osteoplasts are really gonna get off on that" I said smugly to myself. I hate to sound the coward, it's just my reality. Given the chance I'll run, fast. My signature move in class was the duck, cover, and roll - I even escaped from the Mammoth One - that was a glad moment, though in a room 20' x 30' it mattered not.

To the women of Charlottesville (and other parts of the land) - now that you know what a wuss (some of) your men are I would really encourage you to attend the kempo classes at the end of JPA behind Durty Nelly's. If the men can't stand up to the aggressors it's going to be up to you lasses to do the job. Stand firm, aim for the sack, grab and twist - that's my advice, it's honest albeit from a meager dude. And if you have a good rolling pin give yer legs a ratta-tat-tating once in a while. If you ever have to kick ass you can think of your legs as teeth and gnaw on some jack-ass'es face with 'em... ROARGGGGGG! (yeah, me and my keypad are hardcore...)

hastas ya'll

1 comment:

Klaus Kinloch said...

Get yerself down to the Abbey Dojo in Kilburn, London, England. We don't beat each other with rolling pins but we have an awesome Burger Monday.

Always check your stance.